More Than Anything, This Is What I Want People to See

My upbringing was so traumatizing, I locked almost my entire childhood up in amnesia. I sat down once and typed out on virtual 8 by 11 pages and only filled 2 and a half pages with what I remembered.

Essentially, it went like this: I remember 2 quick snapshot of my birthdays, no Christmases at all, not a one. No holidays, no summers, no moving out of or into new homes, barely any of my teachers, 2 briefs snapshots of Halloween…..

Would you like to know what is worse? I am not alone in this situation.  Probably more than millions around the globe can identify.

Dominated by a twisted, vicious, sadistic, narcissistic psychopath mother and two older sisters, she turned into her thugs who happily doled out her punishments when she wasn’t around. I was no match for them. I am the youngest and depended on them for my life. I learned in school and on tv that family is more important than anything. Families are where you are safe, surrounded by people who love you and want the best for you.

I never saw that. Like others who grew up in child abuse, I heard no family members tell me they sincerely loved me or were proud of anything I did. I never heard my “family” tell me not to worry, we’ll figure out your problems. Never supportive, they treated me with hatred and monstrous abuse. Then they abused me worse when I made mistakes they failed to prepare me to correct.

I saw hatred, poison and suffocation I could never speak of. Because of that upbringing, they catapulted me straight into incest, sexual abuse, alcoholism, promiscuity, clinical depression, complex ptsd, morbid obesity and more.

Again, I am not alone.

But, this is a huge part of my purpose because more than anything, at my 63 years old and sober 13+ years, I want people to see how a life beginning in unspeakable child abuse and domestic violence a better, happier, sober, productive life is possible.

I live that now, and my life is better EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Because of that, my writing focuses on how I became the problem child, acting out and destined to fail, which I did for almost my entire life.

Now, I hope to reach people on that same destructive path, hoping my writing will reach them and they’ll decide to explore recovery and learn to how to get better and get their important needs met earlier than I did.

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