Originally posted to r/REDDITORSINRECOVERY on Tuesday, October 20, 2020.
I am Landon, a 63 y/o woman, disabled and determined to find the way to earn my living doing what I love: blogging about my recovery, personal growth, and crafting. I also want to return to school. One of my biggest goals is to get myself off of welfare and out of poverty FOR.GOOD. If I can do that for myself, I can help others too. That alone is an enormous need I crave.
About my background, I drank dangerously for 30 years of my life, stopping and relapsing many times. I began my most productive alcohol recovery on 11-16-2007. Finally, I could no longer ignore the fact my life was out of control and being drunk every day would not help me.
Back then, I did not understand what was ahead of me. Raised in a monstrous household by my sadistic psychopath mother, absent father and two older sisters who were mother’s thugs, it is a miracle I am alive. My childhood was so abusive, I locked most of it up in amnesia and complex ptsd flashbacks. I sat down one day to write out what I could remember: I wrote less than 3 pages, 8 by 11, Ariel size 11 font. Almost every memory I have includes abuse. And because of those impairments, I became learning disabled.
Catapulted into promiscuity, alcoholism, self-loathing, self-destruction, and more because of that upbringing, my first therapist diagnosed me with clinical depression in the early 1990s. Then, I realized how close I had been to danger, plus my flesh and blood family were criminals. It shocked me! I also remembered I had engaged in incest with three male cousins who took advantage of my vulnerabilities. That happened when I was around 13 and later in high school.
Decades after that, I worked to better my mindset. I went to psychotherapy and AA meetings. The therapy helped me more than the meetings. I respect folks who benefit from AA because different people respond to different approaches, but there are some aspects of AA that bothered me.
In doing years of therapy, I got to the place where I could not figure out why I kept sabotaging myself. It was on the floor staring at me; I could not escape it unless I relapsed. I had to stomach what I ran from my entire life: my blood mother and sisters hated me and tried to destroy me. I worried what they pummeled me with was true: That I was defective and no one would ever love me. That was what I ran from.
I had to undergo hypnosis to get those stuck emotions going; that is how buried and cemented in place they were. It took me weeks of listening to my recorded hypnosis sessions 2 or 3 times a day to cry as much as I needed. I saw firsthand how much better I felt when I faced and accepted the emotional horrors that tormented me, the very horrors I drank and drugged to escape. I was hooked and kept working on those issues and anything else negative that bothered me. It is a TON of work, but I have healed enough that now I can embrace the negative wounds to heal them to the best of my ability. They are MY wounds; they are as much a part of me as my toes and fingers are.
The therapy took.me.YEARS. and I still have a ton of work ahead of me; recovery is for life. We know that. That is how complex it is. But, for me, it has also been rewarding because I have a lot to be grateful for and am happy about. Slowly, my mental health has gotten better and some of my physical health has improved.
One last important thing I want to share is when I stopped drinking, my over eating worsened. (That is another chapter I will write about another day.) And still not having most of the important needs met today, I still struggle with overeating. I have gotten my cravings to stop and to not bother me for weeks on end. I have lost up to 28 lbs during those quiet periods, only to regain some weight back when the cravings returned. I know the cravings return to compel me to get those needs met. One way emotions work is to tell us something is off and we need to fix it. And believe me, I am doing everything I can!
I know I can get them to stop completely, and that is my focus. I am pulling together every resource I have to get myself there: Satisfied with my life and all needs met to the best of my ability.
So, all that said, I am glad to be here and am looking forward to making new friends!