Anxiety and with few or no problem solving skills is where we all begin.
I have gone through self-loathing to sober, happy, and productive, pulling every resource I have together to get my needs met to the best of my ability and get off of welfare for good.
First, I am a 63 y/o recovering alcoholic, disabled by physical and mental health issues who lives in poverty like millions of my fellow Americans in recovery or who desperately need to be, determined to rebuild her life sharing how I heal, staying sober 12+ years. Even in this terrible pandemic, my life is better.every.singe.day.
I got on this path out of sheer desperation for relief. Expertly taught and saturated in self-loathing by my monstrous family, I flunked out of college and severed ties with them Only qualifying for low-income jobs and getting drunk every chance I got, ….. what can I add here?
On welfare and always broke around 2008, I tried a part-time job, but my emotional mess kept getting in my way. I tried making and selling beaded jewelry, but I sabotaged myself by making my customer wait for months to get their orders. I felt crippled by jealousy; they had nice together lives, had loving families and I did not. I remember asking myself “Why can’t I have that?”
I would not know the answer for a good decade because I stumbled through my life, lost.
On 11-16-2007, I began my life in serious recovery, giving up alcohol and going to meetings. Not long after that, I got myself into psychotherapy. Still lost, I began to see patterns I needed to change. And as hard as I tried, I still undermined my efforts.
My therapist suggested hypnosis. I would have tried anything, so I asked her some questions and agreed to try. We did our first session on my following appointment. I took with me a voice-activated recorder so I could listen to the session at home, on my own.
Those sessions saved my life because it set in motion the most important healing I needed.
Some background here: I am the youngest of three girls. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and mother got full custody of all daughters. My mother was a university Spanish Professor, being a native born Venezuelan. She also came from a wealthy background. And child abuse was just beginning to be known about and psychopaths are clever and know how to blend into the landscape to escape detection. My father sold tires, I think. He didn’t have the money to fight her.
Mother and my sisters pounded hatred into my head; I heard it so much I believed it. That led me to numerous problems that littered my life with crisis after crisis. No matter what I tried, what I read, or how I begged God to help me, hatred glued itself to me.
Back to my therapy, those soul-reaching hypnosis sessions that helped free me of that iceberg of self-loathing started turning my life around. As time went on and I intentionally watched movies that made me sob, I felt better. And I saw firsthand how the lies they saturated me in fueled my destructive behavior and punched gaping holes in my soul. That led me to understand something in my beliefs fueled my overeating.
On 10/17/2012, I started blogging about why I over ate to begin with.
I continued to ask questions and look for the right answers to apply to my life. I asked my therapist what I should focus on to do my best. She said “Balance”.
The first step that got me solidly in that direction was gratitude. On February 12, 2013, I began blogging about what I was grateful for. I did that about every other day and on February 17, 2013, I blogged about what I was grateful for every single day.
With each passing day, my life slowly began to change around me because of the work I was doing inside me. I work harder on my mindset than anything I have ever worked on. That reflects itself in my surroundings, how I carry myself, plus how I treat others.
As I read more and more about topics I needed a better understanding of, plus facing my fears (self-awareness) and accepting what I could not change, my thinking started to straighten out and logic was within my grasp.
Over time, I realized my lack of common sense was from the tangled mess inside my head from trauma after trauma, locking itself in place, with no logic or understanding of what happened.
I also realized what people saw in me was a distortion of who I really am because of so much confusion, stress, and unfulfilled needs that drove my behavior.
For example, my family bullied me, teaching me hatred and how to hate myself. Never once did any of them take me by the hand and teach me anything positive. So, I went abut my life with a jumbled mess of hatred and confusion and tried to make my life work.
It is impossible for my life to have turned out any other way. Now, I don’t know how your life started off, but am I showing how someone can be derailed by their upbringing? Plus, if I am battling my way through my day, I am not enjoying my talents and skills. If those are no where to be found because they are suffocating under my distortions, no one around me is benefiting fro them, either.
For me, that stinks.
So, now, today I try to make up for lost time. I write, and I blog, and I research, and I read, and I post on overcoming addiction forums, hoping to connect somehow and maybe help someone who struggles to make sense of their life.