Our emotions that fuel our thoughts show each of us our road, our unique path to recovery. That is one map we can follow. And it is our privilege to live and heal that route because along the way, we find and nurture our unique selves. Also, we can share our experiences with others and help them heal also, once we are ready to share and once they are ready to work on their own route.
Our abusers trashed our lives with their hatred. The painful wounds that keep playing out in our heads points us in the direction we need to go to heal those wounds and remove their obstacles. Those obstacles nag us because they are not a natural part of us. They aren’t at home; if they were, they’d chill out and settle down.
Our one of a kind soul is trying to kick them out. So, what bothers you the most is where you start. No one has the right to tell you any different.
For me, I had to begin by facing my monstrous family. I had to face the pain they buried deep inside me that haunted me, that drove me to drink, drug, act out, and overeat that still bothered me decades after I severed ties with them in late 1979 or early 1980s. I changed my location physically, but emotionally my path, covered in seething anger and bleeding, went with me everywhere.
Back then, I didn’t know the extent of brain damage and emotional hurdles I faced. Being fragile, I needed the time to heal and gather my thoughts. I think in spring 2011, I began with my then therapist, and having recorded the sessions, I listened to them at home, alone where I could cry, uninterrupted.
In the past, I worried about hurting someone if I allowed myself to feel what I ran from. But I didn’t; when I accepted my pain, I cried and it hurt. But I got through it.
I saw and felt better firsthand. Not a huge amount, but better. The tiny voice inside me suffocating under the cruel lies and bleeding, hurt wounds that caused me to live my life in lies, distorting everything I did, breathed a little stronger. So, encouraged, I kept going.
Looking back, I see how my path is unique to me, just as your path is unique to you. The events that shape us will vary. Our perspective will be ours alone; it will differ even from our siblings. No one sees our world the same way we do. It is individual to each of us, alone.
But the emotions? The emotions will be the same; shame, humiliation, embarrassment, isolation, and the rest we share.
Our unique selves are suffocating underneath that pain. So, for our beautiful, one of a kind genuine, authentic selves to breathe and thrive, those obstacles need to go.
Because pain that nags us, desperate to go because it is not at home inside us, never gives up on receiving our validation so we can release it. Our soul, our inner self, is doing its job. It is looking out for our well being and urging us in the direction we need to go so we can heal and live our life, the life we were born to live, including the pain we overcome and healed.
- Landon Clary Eason – Sober for over 14 years now, my life’s focus is to write as best I can hoping to reach other addicts like me to help them see a life in recovery can be challenging, but it can also be sober, fun, satisfying, and productive. - May 21, 2022
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