First, I want you to know I have been sober for over 14+ years. I became an alcoholic because of my traumatizing upbringing. I ended up clinically depressed, with complex ptsd, amnesia, brain damage, and learning impaired, plus a bunch of physical problems. Currently, I live on disability.
The self-hatred and self-destruction my abusers (my mother and two older sisters) brainwashed me to believe about myself was buried deep. My family cruelly saturated me in their hateful words; I heard them so much; I came to believe them. I had no one to tell me different. Our brains record what it hears often enough. Isn’t repetition how we learn in school?
I did not realize how much my upbringing tormented and tortured me until I cleared some of the hatred out of my head. I was used to it; I knew no different. I had to undergo hypnotherapy to reach that trash in my subconscious. Certified in it, my therapist did my sessions; I had been going to her for years at this point.
Today, I live grateful because it changed my life; I still have lots of problems, but my thoughts don’t punish me like they did. My mind is quiet, plus it is easier for me to come up with solutions and goals I can work towards. My self-esteem is healthier! I have read that the shape a person’s self-esteem is in determines how successful they will be in their life. I see that clearly now. I see my improvements over the years and how I manage better now.
What I did was this, and it was scary to do, but I got through. If you have never done this, don’t do it alone. I needed my therapist’s guidance through the first couple of times; after that I felt comfortable accepting other putrid fighting I inherited from my abusers on my own because I knew what to expect. So I caution you; don’t start this on your own, please!
It was hard at first to even think about the thoughts I pushed away for decades of my life, but once I accepted them, they became weaker.
I think you know what I am about to say: I had to accept HOW my family made me feel because the abuse and lies they pummeled me with hurt and damaged my feelings. I had to work to heal them, just as if I had cut myself. My feelings hurt, and I benefited from accepting how my so-called family wounded me. I validated what my feelings already knew.
I recorded my hypnotherapy sessions so I could work on this at home in between appointments. Most days I listened to the sessions twice a day; sometimes three times. It was really painful, and it took me weeks of slowly making my way through those sad emotions, but I did it. I also watched sad movies that made me cry to continue to grieve over what they upset me over. Can you think of some movies that make you cry too? They might be helpful in this way, for whenever you are ready to tackle this.
What astounded me was being able to think and talk about those problems without being crippled by them. I might cry a tear or two and my voice might crack, but I can talk about them. I don’t end up crushed like I did.
Do you see that? The power of those words in my head that once stopped me dead in my tracks was much lower.
Over time, I realized our brains record the information. Our emotions tell us what is going on around us and inside us, whether that is happy, sad, or any emotion in between. As I resolved more and more of what hurt me, my instincts became stronger as well. That really rocks!!
So, what do you think?
Pace yourself; do this only if you feel it will help you. Your recovery path differs from mine. What might work for you could be a variation on this process I use. And if you don’t do this now, you might want to later on.
It’s not for me to tell you. That is your decision to make.And if you want to, message me about your progress!
- Landon Clary Eason – Sober for over 14 years now, my life’s focus is to write as best I can hoping to reach other addicts like me to help them see a life in recovery can be challenging, but it can also be sober, fun, satisfying, and productive. - May 21, 2022
- My Daily Gratitude for Saturday, May 21, 2022 - May 21, 2022
- My Daily Gratitude for Friday, May 20, 2022 - May 20, 2022